Wednesday, November 11, 2009

No, we are not dead

At least, I don't think we are.

It just feels like it, here at the bottom of the sea. I remember what the surface was like, back when we were just treading water. The sun. The waves. The salt in the air.

But that's all gone now. Here, we just have the murk of the bottom and the fear of the things that feed and scuttle and snap. Odd shapes lurk in the mire. Most of them take the form of smaller pests, but larger, more unsettling terrors swim these depths. They show themselves in flashes of teeth and feelings of uncertainty. We try to swim up for air, but there is none to be had, as strong tendrils drag us back to the bottom. Even our rest is restless, here at the bottom of the sea, as dark things creep in the long, black nights.

When I glance upwards, I see ghostly shapes. Shapes of things that we lost when the ship went down. Friends, family, places once called home, all distant shores long forgotten. They whisper and dance on the current, detached and ephemeral. I cannot tell if they ever existed. If they did, they seem little more than embers. It drifts by in the void, milky and viscous, altogether intangible and disconnected. I reach out for them, but I cannot grasp them. Some of them reach back. Some do not. Very few descend to our depths and walk with us in the dark mire, our footfalls disturbing the deep silt, clouding the fluid that surrounds us. We tell them that we are not dead. We swear we are not dead. But let's face it - we certainly don't seem to use our lungs all that much anymore. When the cloudy ghosts speak, we cannot draw breath to respond. And what would they know? They move through our depths occasionally, but never feel the pressure. They stay for a time, and then depart, leaving warmth in their absence, and the question of whether or not they even heard us. Are we as insubstantial to them as they are to us?

We do not know. And we hardly have time to think. The mountains here in the ocean depths are vast, and we must watch our footing. Our path looks to go deeper still before it turns up into shallow waters. We hope that when we come up to the surface, at long last, that we will find a world that can offer us even a scrap of familiarity.

We shall see. But for now, we must hurry. The waters are shifting, the current is picking up, and large things are beginning to move in the black. Large and hungry. We are, after all, not dead yet (are we? We can't be...), and to stay that way, we need to move. Now.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Congratulations Quijote and Ardrilla!

They were married last Saturday in Juarez, surrounded by friends and family. God bless you both in your new life together!

It was interesting to visit the El Paso/Juarez area, primarily because I had never been south of the border. Seeing the mountains that Cormac McCarthy imagined to be on fire when he got the idea to write The Road was pretty sweet... especially since it was followed by a discussion of The Road with Quijote and the dirty hippie.

The food was great, the hospitality was warm, the wedding was lovely, though I had to have Fernando explain some of the traditions to me. Such as the lasso. That was a new one to me, but was apparently a tradition older than using wedding rings. Basically, they had the couple kneel and they lashed them together with a lasso. When I first heard about it, I was hoping some cowboy would burst into the church and toss a lasso around both of them from the aisle while they struggled to get away, but that didn't happen.

Also, I loved the fact that they said each other's vows to one another in the native language of the other person. Behold, the foundations of a bilingual household.

Now, there is the subject of the reception. It was insane. I'm not going to sugar coat it. Three words: Surprise Mariachi Band. I think that pretty much sums it up.

In all, I wish both of you the best.

Now, Quijote, you just need to convince her to let you have a Corgi, and you'll be all set. Just remember the mantra: Cutest. Dog. EVER. ;)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Silence fills the empty tomb...

...but questions linger on.

Bones rattle. Dried, calcified fingers scrape the stonework. Ulna and radius rattle, shifting weight from arm to arm. Tattered graveclothes rasp and tear as dust falls from the limbs. With great force, the corpse pushes itself up, craning its neck, lifting its head towards the light. Empty eye sockets scrape the air, hungry for the sun. The dessicated mandible drops open, the memory of lungs clawing for air.

And yet, a breath escapes the maw of the skull, kicking up dust into the darkness. Impossible. No lungs expell it. No vocal chords give it vibration. No lips part to let it pass. Yet the husk exhales, then draws breath back in to empty ribs.

It rises upon frail femur and trembling tibia. Rags cling to the husk. Scraping across a dusty floor, it shambles with force far beyond what it's frail frame ought to facilitate. Phalanges old and dry grip the stone that seals the tomb and push. The air shifts and hisses as freshness and light pierce the crypt.

Out across the graveyard and down through the field, the ghoul staggers steadily. Down the road and to the sea, across the pier and past the docks, its empty eyes trace the outline of an old ship, long broken apart for firewood. It climbs aboard the vessel's memory and staggers to the stern. There, its claws grip the wheel.

The hanging jaw hisses a command. The sails drop. The anchor lifts. A wind, unfelt, fills the sails. The wheel spins, and the ship obeys.

Empty eyes, lidless and invisible, lock upon the open sea. Bones long dead remember the salty breeze. The trappings of life long left behind, with all its cares and worries and lies and politics, the dead man's heart begins to warm.

One thought echoes in the empty skull.

I live again.

The memory of lips peel back into a smile as the spectral hull crashes against the waves.

Never before has the dead man felt so alive.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Prelims: The Verdict

I PASSED!

Thank you GOD!!!

That means I'm an official Ph.D candidate!

Friday, September 05, 2008

Prelim Count: 4/4 - Testing Complete

The paper is done and turned in.

Thank you God that the tests are over.  

This has literally been the hardest thing I have ever done.

Please pray that I pass the tests.  The ballot meeting to decide if I made it through is this coming Wednesday at 1:00 p.m.  

I have never felt so spent.  

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Prelim Count: 3/4

Three down. One to go.

Seven and a half ours, counting breaks. I think around six and a half without breaks.

Sixteen pages total. Closer to 15.2. Single spaced.

Glad that one's over.

Now, there's just the paper...

Prelim Update: Round 3

The last test is today.  But I'm not finished yet.  The paper has been extended to Friday.  It needs a lot of work still, according to my advisor.  

Ugh.

That means I'm going to be working on it all day tomorrow and all day Friday.

Don't expect to hear from me for a few days.

In the meantime, round three commences in two hours.  

And by the way:  Google Chrome, Google's new web browser, is totally awesome.  Go download it and give it a try if you haven't.  No time to post a link for it... just google it.  :)

Friday, August 29, 2008

Prelim Count Update: 2/4

Two down. Two to go.

Started at 8. Finished at 3.

7 hours. 6 and 1/2 if you cut out my lunch break. Closer to 6 if you cut out bathroom breaks and me just needing to pace because I was alone in a tiny room that was half-filled with file cabinets and I could hear my thoughts bouncing off of the walls and on to the blank page in front of me.

So, yeah. 7 hours. 6 hours actual writing time. Ugh.

13 pages (closer to 12.3), single spaced.

Felt a lot better about this one. There was one question that I'm pretty sure I got wrong, but the others I felt pretty good about. I even had a moment of brilliance on this one.

Ask me about it sometime when I'm not brain dead.

Second Round of Prelims

Getting ready to start in the next 20 minutes.

Looks like I'm in for another day of writing for eight solid hours.

Pray now.

More later.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Prelim Count Update: 1/4

One down.

Three to go.

After I was finished yesterday, I nearly fell asleep during dinner. I think I burned off about a pound via necessary neural metabolism (yes, your brain actually DOES burn a lot of calories during intense thought).

Eight hours. Of solid writing. And that doesn't count breaks. It was sixteen pages single spaced when I was done with it.

The next one is on Friday.

More later.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Prelim Exams...

...start today. My first one is in six minutes.

Pray that I do well.

Second one is on Friday.
Third is next Wednesday.
Paper is due any time between now and Wednesday.

More later.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Neuron Doctrine Revisited

All of thought is but chemistry and electricity.

So why can't I explain these damn ghosts?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Published!

My advisor just called me to let me know that my masters thesis is getting published in the journal Memory and Cognition.

That means I have officially joined the scientific community by passing through the gauntlet of the peer review process.

She (my advisor) told me that my loving wife should take me out for dinner to celebrate... but we'll see.

I. Am. Super. Excited.

Soli Deo Gloria!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Dry Docked

With much thought, I have decided to suspend activity on the blog for a while. It will still be here, and may even receive a few random updates every once in a while. But, as you may have already noticed, I just don't have time to keep up with it. There are lots of other things tapping in to my writing abilities right now, some you know about and some you don't know about. The stuff you know about is my work on my prelim exams. Just to be absolutely clear, the prelim exams are the refining fires in the crucible of graduate school. Once I come out on the other side of them, I will be a genuine expert in my field. The trouble is, they are so all-consuming, I barely have time enough to feed, clothe, and dress myself during the day on top of a two hour commute, an entire lab to coordinate and manage, students to teach, classes to take, and a wife and a new puppy at home to spend time with.

As for what you don't know yet, I can't really talk about it. Let's just say a collaborative writing project has been presented to me that is tapping in to all the dark visions that have haunted my mind since I was a child. I finally have an outlet for some of my more twisted creations and ideas, and I'm able to apply them in a way that will, ultimately, be productive. I'm not going to say any more than that, but I'll let you know when I can.

Well, perhaps just a little bit - holding a sample copy of a book in your hand that has your name on the cover is an intoxicating feeling.

And no, I can't tell you what it's about yet. It isn't finished, and it won't be for a long time.

However, it has helped me crystallize some of the things I want to end up doing with a few writing projects that I've been nurturing for a while.

In summation, I just don't have the energy to spend on a blog right now. Perhaps that will change in the future, but for right now, I'm putting this blog on hiatus. In time, it will eventually wake up again. And feel free to keep checking back. You never know when I may get the urge to post something. For now, however, the Fighting Temeraire will be dry docked until I need it to sail out upon the dark waters of the human condition once again.

And when that time comes, we will be accepting passengers.

Until then, this is Raoul the Destroyer, captain of the Fighting Temeraire, signing off.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Distortion

The new year is passed. The semester has begun. And already, I am swallowed whole by my work. I am not only running projects in the lab, but I am the full-blown lab manager this semester.

On top of that, I've begun work on my prelim examinations. I thought I would be able to finish them this semester, but the work is so sprawling that I will have to take the exams the first few weeks of the Fall 2008 semester.

Eastern Washington is drowning in snow right now. And I do mean drowning.

Oh, and we got a dog. We'll post pictures of him up at some point on one of our blogs or facebook pages.

That's about it. Beyond that, I don't have much else to say. I'm spending all my time and energy on my work right now (and driving back and forth from home and work). Blog posts are now on a "whenever I feel like it" basis. Don't be surprised by lengthy lulls.